02/01/2026: i don't recall my first thought
neither my last (my memory is ruined) but what I can think of right now is that my thoughts are temporary, vanishing over time. utterances that may repeat in different fonts, they change and so do I. Because I am my thoughts, but not only that, peoples thoughts are also me. to some extent, you know. so, for my first thought in this blog is the thought that I'm temporary and so are my thoughts. thanks
03/01/2026: i feel stuck in between two opposites.
the need and feeling needed, the want and feeling wanted. is it true that what you crave is what you fear? or is it the unfamiliarity that keeps on freezing my body, stuck in the middle, feeling all and nothing. needless to say, i've tried to stop that loop, either way, i end up in another loop. i mess my mind whether i like it or not. and it gets too crowded. the funny thing is that its just me. the voices.
05/01/2026: i would like to think that i see all perspectives, but i am inevitably constrained.
i've lived / i'm living / i will live one only life. while i can feel empathetic, its so egotistical from me to think that I know something, something involving another living. as well as the other way around, i feel what i feel, and fortunately/unfortunately its only me. in a world of "let it be", i find myself constantly replaying moments where i think i know why certain things happen (you know, through patterns), i only see what ive lived, in my own way, in my own pattern. I do not regret anything though, we live to learn. but i guess, there are some questions, some perspectives that wont get an answer, especially for me.
09/01/2026: People vanish, new people come. My heart aches, not for both. I dont know where i stand, connection feels flaky. I need a signal, a manual perhaps, to navigate this sea i cant understand. I guess the needing of letting go waits, in the side of the stand, where i leave all my stuff. Which reminds me again, people pain.
11/01/2026: although it may seem the opposite, im grateful for the life I have, for the things i've experienced and the love I carry. the sun was out, i ate good food with my parents, i walked, i drank, i rested, i laughed. i cheer what i have now, cause it may not happen tomorrow.
25/01/2026: its been 25 days since New Years and I am still the same girl that I was at 16. I sometimes wonder if the passage of time has taught me anything, if my bad experiences have taught me to overcome life or just for the hurt to stay, debilitating me until my last days. shrinking my heart, stopping blood flow feeling cold. purple, blue, souless.
8/02/2026: i know i matter. and i know its going to get better. but for now. i dont trust that. i feel anger, dissapointment and desperation. i want to avoid anyone or anything. i cant no more. truly. why?, why are my feelings neglected. judged. and why are theirs praised, cared. its not fair. ITS NOT FAIR.
14/02/2026: i feel grateful and lucky to have people in my life that love me, value me and support me. i cheer a lifetime with them. happy valentine's day